Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him