Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The asteroid..
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Ovenable?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*