Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.