Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.