“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
#math
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
