“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.