“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat