“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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giddy up Office Depot
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
New comic up. “Ransom”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.