“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go