Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

ㅤ

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Seductively sings in Klingon.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.