Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

i’m sure it’s fine

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.