Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Breaking news:

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.