Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.