Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy