Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

5 ways to appear taller

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy