Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

marvel comics have peaked

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Windchimes

@funTweeters

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!