Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
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Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”