Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast