Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
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thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids