Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
You Might Also Like
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
😂😂
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.