Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Uh oh…
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
AI girlfriend leaving me for other creepy weirdo.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ