well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
i think both sides are to blame here
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”