well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did