well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf