Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Realize this:

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

Thinking about a snail with a limp

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police