“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Icarus loved hot wings.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
“How’s your day going?”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS