Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

My humor is broken

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.