Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

I need to get some bricks…

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

🥃

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

*puts words between two asterisks*

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.