Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

This is Sparta

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex