“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
You Might Also Like
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.