Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

I camp so other people don’t have to.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*