“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it