Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

sign of the times 🖊

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?