Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

Art by Pastelkatto

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

San Francisco has too many rules

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

Thursday Thought.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?