Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)