Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I support this random dude and all his protests
Boy never ceases to amaze me
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Twitter fine art
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Lol.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision