Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
This why you should mind your business
some Old Testament wisdom
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.