“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know