Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…