Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

2022 be like

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

Clients after you give them your rates

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write