Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies