Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
They’re the worst 😩
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.