Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon