Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.