“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
This was a bad idea all around
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
CRYING
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA