“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I need better friends
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs