Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

Florida man

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.