Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

ㅤ

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

No, YOUR illiterate.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave