Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin