Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
You Might Also Like
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish