Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
You Might Also Like
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My god she’s good.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”