Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
O Wise One….
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once