Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Left at a local drug store…
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*