Well, I just invested all my retirement savings in Nvidia. Now to take a big sip of coffee and see what’s trending on twitter.
You Might Also Like
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden