Well, I just invested all my retirement savings in Nvidia. Now to take a big sip of coffee and see what’s trending on twitter.
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I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
he looks great for his age
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
2024 has been a rough few years
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy