A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
For those that worship cheese..
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?