Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Managing expectations
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount