Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok