Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
🤣🤣🤣
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
only 11 steps left
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day