Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

“How’s your day going?”

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.