Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
How does one answer this?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.