@liv_thatsme

Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.

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@jwoodham

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

@ArfMeasures

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

@drayzze

This motel air conditioner has seen some things…

@Desert_Musings

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive

@Sickayduh

“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”

@PaulyPeligroso

Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?

@MarkusJ

*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band