Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

I only say stupid things when I talk.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Friday

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90