Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
my nickname in college