Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

Ummm 😳

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.