Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Reminder:
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down