Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF