Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69