Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Ok who’s got my black socks?

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

i really liked this one

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down