Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Coffee is ready.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods