Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet