Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?