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High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together