You Might Also Like
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
how to have an accident 101
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
they really do be looking like this
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’d hang this in my house.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere